Problem Handling

First off I wanted to share to really great books my teacher mentioned. They are:
'Parenting with Love and Logic' and 'Parenting with Love: Making a difference in a day' by Glenn L. Lathem. (Sorry I don't know the author of the first one)

Problems will always come our way. We can't always solve them. We can however learn how to handle them well.
1. With some problems we can simply let natural consequences teach the children. The lessons they learn this way usually have a longer lasting impact. There are three exceptions when you DO NOT want to rely on natural consequences teaching your children. Number one is when it is too dangerous. If your child or someone else is going to get hurt, then you need to step in and try to prevent that. Number two is when the consequences are too far in the future. Number three is when others are effected.
2. Another handing method is making polite requests. These help us respect our children and give them opportunities to have a say in what goes on.
3. Use 'I' messages: "When you_____ I feel_____ because____" or "I like____" This helps more understanding take place and the child doesn't feel so attacked.
4. Sometimes you have to use a strong message. The more you use these though, the less effect they have on a child each time, so the parent often ends up having to get stronger and stronger. So be careful with these.
5. Logical consequences. These are planned out in advance with the child. For example maybe a child keeps leaving their bike in the middle of the drive way. You can explain to them why that is a problem and then ask them what they think should happen if they keep leaving it there. Follow through with what you planned together and keep trying. Planning and talking together helps the child learn to solve problems and it helps a parent and child be on the same page.

Remember to give your children encouragement and catch them being good!!! We shouldn't only be telling them things they need to work on or what they are doing wrong. Remember that we are building relationships with our children, we aren't trying to control them.

Divorce and Blended Families

Divorce is very common these days. Some people get married with the mindset of "I will get a divorce later". It would be nice if people wouldn't ever think that they will get a divorce one day.
There are six stages of divorce. The first stage is emotional divorce where a couple starts pulling away from each other. They aren't involved with one another's concerns and emotions. Second is the legal divorce. Third is economic divorce. This can be tricky to decide who gets what and who pays for what. Fourth is community divorce. This consists of having to move away sometimes and leaving behind friends, teachers, and family. Coparental is the fifth stage of divorce. This is deciding and working out how to share the children. Who gets who? How often does each spouse get to see each child? The six stage is Psychic divorce. This is finally coming to terms that the divorce really happened. It can take a long time to accept that and for it to really sink in.
We cannot judge why people get divorced. There is so much we don't know about every situation. When we can though we need to work on our marriage!!!! An awesome tip from my teacher was "let the bad marriage die and create a new one together." We shouldn't automatically think that simply marrying a new person will solve all our problems. The fact is, it usually creates a lot of new problems. Take time to breathe and try again.
Because of divorce and many other circumstances, blended families are more of the norm now. Almost everybody will have a blended family in part of their lives whether it is your own, a neighbor, friend, or a church member. Here are four things that can really help a blended family if they apply them and keep them in mind.
4 Guidelines For Blended Families
1. It will take a minimal of two years to reach normalcy. (or to get into a routine with each other)
2. The birth parent should do all the heavy discipline. (This will help the children not resent the step parent and it will help the spouses not
3. The step-parent should be the equivalent to a really awesome aunt or uncle.  (This means showing the children that you really care about them, emphasize with them, take time to understand them while you are supporting your spouse and letting your children know how much you love them and your spouse.)
4. Spouses need to have daily conferences with each other. (This is vital!!! There are so many things you both are adjusting to so it's vital that you are on the same page. You need to work as closely together on everything as you are creating a new family together. The family won't work if anything gets in between the two of you.)

Families, no matter what they look like, take a lot of work to make them strong and happy, but it's so worth it!!! Always remember that God will help you!!!!!! Turn to Him for help.
   

See a need. Fill a need.

Charity: seeing a need and filling it with love, NEVER faileth.

I have always loved that quote. We will always bless others when are there to help them. We all have needs and will try to fill them in any way we can. Sometimes people turn to negative things like pornography, drugs, eating to much, tv, etc to fill those needs. These methods don't help!! A quote my teacher shared was "you can never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need will never and cannot satisfy you". This is why we get addicted to things. We turn to something looking for relief or fulfillment but aren't getting that so we increase the amount of what we are addicted to trying to reach that satisfied point. We will never actually reach that satisfied point until we turn to what is real.  Revelations chapter 7 verses 16 and 17 say: "They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more;.... For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes." I think this is beautiful. I know that it's only what God can give us that can truly meet our needs.
Mr. Popkins talks about five needs we all have. They are: contact and belonging, power, protection, challenge, and withdrawal. When these needs are not met people tend to rebel, go to great lengths to get attention, take a lot of risks, might try to get revenge, etc. We don't want this!! To healthily respond to these needs we can offer contact freely, teach others to contribute, give responsibility, teach assertiveness and forgiveness, help develop skills, and show by example how to take a break and then get right back into work. When we choose to respond to needs in this way we can avoid a lot of heartache and headaches.
I know that as we pray we will receive help to recognize the needs of those around us and know how to respond to them.

Good Work Ethic

Life is work. We have things to do to grow ourselves and to grow closer to other people. Here are six tips my teacher shared with the class on how to teach children how to have a good work ethic. 

1. Work doesn't equal money= we don't want children to only lift a finger when they are getting paid to do so. We want to help them want to do it for the simple rewards it automatically brings.

2. Teach money self reliance when children are young= children can learn that when they put in effort than they can work towards getting something they want or need. So when work does help them earn money, they can then go buy something for themselves. It teaches them that they can't just be given things they want all the time.

3. Don't micro manage= it's important to hear what the children have to say. Let them pick from a number of chores to do. Children, like ourselves, don't always like being told what to do. 

4. Be a worker yourself= so much can be learned from simply watching a good example. It's easier to want to get a job done, when a child can do it alongside a parent. 

5. Contribute= let the children know they are valued and needed. 

6. Encourage= Tell your children when they are doing a good job. It gets very discouraging when we are constantly being told that we are doing something wrong, especially something we didn't want to do in the first place. I remember one specific time of doing the dishes when I was little. I did NOT like that job. I was rinsing the dishes while my brother Ben was washing them. I remember he gave me a compliment about how I would turn the water off when I was through in stead of leaving it on while waiting for another dish to rinse. Ben is my Superman. Getting a compliment from someone I admire so much really lifted my heart. I remember this experience every time I do the dishes. I now actually really enjoy this job. 

Crisis and stress

Life can be quite hard. Nobody goes through life without trials. Thankfully Heavenly Father has given us families to help us through the tough times. If we work together then we can get through any crisis and stressor. We will not only make it through it, but we will come out stronger and closer as a family.
My teacher showed the class a stressor model called the ABCX model. It goes like this:

    Actual event
    Both resources and application for help (or response)
+ Cognitions (how the family defines the problem)
total eXperience

For example. Maybe a family member goes into deep depression= A. B= we choose to respond to the situation instead of avoiding it or blaming someone for it. We help that member attend counseling, we do all we can to help her feel loved and needed, we pray a lot for more guidance. C= the family sees this as a not something wrong or a curse from God, but a time to really band together to help the daughter. X= each family member realizes how much they are loved and how much they love each other. They all better know how to express feelings instead of holding them inside. They are closer to God and to each other.

Stressors are events that cause pressure and make us bend for a while. Crisis' are much bigger. They cause us to actually permanently change. By turning to God and working as a family crisis' won't make us break or fall apart, but can tie us together in a new and wonderful way.

For a strong marriage

Here are three very important things to do to have a strong marriage:

1. Go to great lengths to protect your marriage.
We need to be very intentional about how we are treating our spouse and others around us. We need to make sure we are being completely faithful to who we are married to. We need to love and cherish that person.

2. Don't reduce sacred things
We need to treat our spouse with the utmost respect. We need to remember how important marriage is and treat it that way. Also we shouldn't ever demean our sexual relations with our spouse.

3. Don't let anyone inside your marriage other than your spouse and God.
The person we should be discussing any kind of matter first with is God and our spouse. Friends and family are great to talk to, but once we are married those people should come second. We draw closer to our spouse as we discuss things together and work them out together.

Marriage satisfaction

Marriage satisfaction is and should be high when a couple gets married. It is shown that it will or can decrease with each child born. If it always decreases, then when the children all move out the husband and wife don't have much going for them anymore. They either divorce or maybe stay together, but live separate lives. This doesn't need to be so!! Yes, raising children is very hard, but Heavenly Father will help us raise them. When we rely on God and our spouse to know how to best love our children then our bond with our spouse will grow stronger. When all the children leave home the relationship between husband and wife should be stronger than ever! Marriage satisfaction should be really high. Working together gives spouses experiences together and hopefully cherished memories. Remember, it's life that is hard. Marriage and family are given to us to help us enjoy this life journey.